Below you can find out just what we mean when we assign a ratings of three Jason Stathams or Four Lou Diamond Phillips to your favorite or most despised action movies. You won’t see any ratings from EBC and Klees is still working on his, but in the meantime check out the ratings below.
Jason Statham is clearly one of our only hopes for action heroes. At any given time, his fiercely intense glare will lead to a punch across the jaw, leaving unfortunate rivals to spit out teeth like chiclets. Of course, when a movie has a little pinash, some great style — and at times doesn’t deserve a full complement of Jason Statham heads — it receives other ass-kicking mugs. Like Sly Stallones. And do I need to explain O’Donnell and why his presence means poor viewing? I think he’s going to say “Jinkies!” every time he’s suited up in a Robin costume. Like Jordan Knight, O’Donnell should stick to wooing my sister in the ’90s.
So when I’m dropping Seagals on movies, you know that film’s coming correct. And I’m not talking about the old, fat, Mountain Dew-pushing Seagal we’ve seen in recent years.
I’m talking about the young, scrawny, vintage ponytailed-Seagal that tried to make whispering badass. Horrible movies get Richard Geres. Why, you ask? Because Gere is a pussy.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s ruggedly handsome face is a clear sign of quality, with multiple Arnies signifying the sort of film that comes along once in a lifetime. Any film earning one or more Brendan Frasers is likely the sort of putrid action fare frequented by the likes of James McAvoy or…Brendan Fraser.
The Governator has certainly distanced himself from the action realm in recent years, but his incredible resume includes some of the highest kill counts recorded on film. His penchant for beating down anyone who gets in his path — typically peppering them with one-liners along the way — makes him one of the greatest action heroes of our time. If a movie manages to score several Arnolds, it deserves a special place in any self-respecting action fan’s collection.
As for Fraser, his action resume includes a trio of “The Mummy” films and “Journey to the Center of the Earth.” When he wasn’t busy churning out kid-friendly action tripe, Fraser teamed up with Pauly Shore for three of the worst films known to man. Needless to say, any movie with several of Fraser’s caveman-esque mugs plastered next to it should be avoided at all costs.
Jean Claude Van Damme is the only bonafide action star to emerge from the 1980s intact. The aptly named film “JCVD,” sees Van Damme at the top of his ass-kicking game and also a hit in front of critics and action fans alike (85% rating on Rotten Tomatoes for JCVD). This can mean only one thing. JCVD was the fittest action star in the Golden Age of action films. Thus, any great action film will receive a bountiful serving of the Muscles from Brussels.
And now for Lou Diamond Phillips. What can you say about a man whose wife left him for a woman? He sucks. It’s too bad his ability to turn women off to men wasn’t matched by his proficiency with a gun and a fist otherwise JCVD and LDP might be battling for my top honor. As it is, LDP pretty much sucks at life and will be seen gracing the ratings of all craptacular action movies.