The Fraternity

LAH

JoeDRockGoatDolbeyEBCKleesAction Girl

LAH

joeClearly, when you grow up in the country just north of a small town in Wisconsin, you acquire an innate ability to differentiate between badass and not badass. That’s just what happened for young Joe, whose formative years were warped by watching Steven Seagal whisper one-liners and put guys in wrist locks before hitting them in the balls. Joe’s love for action was finely cultivated by years of watching VHS tapes and late-night cable TV. Eventually, it was unleashed on the unsuspecting student population of the University of Wisconsin when he and Derek started the action avalanche that is Last Action Heroes. Now there’s no stopping LAH.

Favorite action star: Steven Seagal
Favorite action movie: On Deadly Ground

lah3

drock1It was back in 2004, that I shared an instant messenger conversation with with my fellow LAH founder Joe Z.  We were both watching the same action movie and found in our conversation a love of mindless plots, absurd kill counts and the art of the one-liner.  As the conversation turned to Seagal vs. Van Damme, it became apparent that we stored vast amount of information in our minds on various action stars, movies and the genre in general.  Using our far-reaching influence at the Badger Herald, we infected the pages with a column the likes of which nobody had seen before.  We had people offering us food and drinks and riches to appear on the same page with us.  It was an action pandemic on the campus of UW-Madison and there was no stopping the LAH.

Favorite action star:  Jean Claude Van Damme
Favorite action movie:  Hard Target

lah3goatGrowing up on the mean streets of rural Wisconsin, Goat developed an affinity for larger than-life heroes early on. With formative years painted in mixed tones of Schwarzenegger, Seagal and Norris, it was a natural fit when he finally joined forces with the LAH. Since coming on as a member in the fall of 2005, he has worked tirelessly to etch his name in the annals of action history. When he’s not busy critiquing the latest and greatest offerings from action legends, he enjoys fighting snowplow drivers, eating chicken tenders and bubble baths.

Favorite action star: Arnold Schwarzenegger
Favorite action movie: Commando

lah3dolbey1I’m a Herald alum, as well. I didn’t contribute to Last Action Heroes when I worked with the rest of the crew at the Herald, but the columns, the people and the movies stirred me like the heartwarming love stories in Lone Wolf McQuade. There are more people like me, fans that can revel in terrible acting, senseless and inaccurate machine gun shooting, kicks to the groin and fists to the throat. The movie that really made me a fan was Road House, the classic Swayze fistfest that proudly introduced Sam Elliot’s pubes to the world of film. I’m dating someone I’ll call the action girl, who has an occasional interest in action movies (mostly involving Road House and perhaps some drinks), as well as a strong hate for many of the movies I love.

Favorite action star: Bruce Willis (yet, he has strayed)
Favorite action movie: Road House

lah3ebcA man known in action circles as EBC, he was one of the key influences in the development of the LAH.  His position of authority at the Badger Herald during the column’s early years allowed the LAH to infect the masses and spread throughout the world.  While he may not admit much involvement in the LAH opting only to say his only contribution “was sitting in the section head meeting where it first came up, rubbing my brow, scratching the back of my head, grinning, saying ‘fine’ and never editing a word thereafter.”

So be it EBC.  As history has revealed, that head scratch, grin and brow rub forged the path for LAH to blossom into the pandemic that it is today.

lah3

kleesMy action philosophy is basically like Tom Cruise’s when he walked on to the set of MI:2. Yeah the script is dogshit and I’m pretty sure John Woo’s mailing this one in so he can get going on Windtalkers, but let’s fire up the pyro and jump some motorcycles.

My plan is to provide the readers of this site with a fresh alternative compared to this living-in-the-past attitude. I offer you the complete opposite. I thankfully did not have the grades to get into Wisconsin. I am a proud UW-Eau Claire graduate and diehard Michigan fan.

While I appreciate and respect the work of our elders (Seagal, Van Damme, Norris, Arnold, etc.), I prefer to look toward a bright and superior future lead by Paul Walker, Jason Statham, Mark Wahlberg and of course Tyrese. Other than that, I believe Young Jeezy is the voice of our generation and am deathly afraid of heights.

Favorite action star: Mark Wahlberg
Favorite action movie: Running Scared

lah3actiongirl1I’m another Herald alum, but I steered clear from the nuthouse that was Last Action Heroes.  Unfortunately, I’m dating Dolbes who is entangled in this nonsense.  Although I have rarely – if ever – dragged him to a chick flick, AND I love science fiction, he unfairly subjects me to the worst action movies ever (read: Riki-Oh).

What kind of guy repays his Star Wars-loving girlfriend with this sort of cruelty?  But, our relationship is a win-win because Dolbes gives me a back rub after we watch the Seagal movies he rents from the library.

Luckily, we always have Road House and brandy old-fashioned sweets to pass the time.

Favorite action star: Harrison Ford circa Star Wars & Indiana Jones (not the new one)
Favorite action movie: Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back (what Star Fans know to be the best of the series)

Share/Save