And so it ends – liveblogging the Lawman season finale

Thu, Feb 4, 2010

Dolbey, Featured, News

dolbeyThis is a nice bookend to an amazing series. And I say this with humor, humility and many other words that mean I’m joking, but kind of.

I’m somewhat tired right now.

I’m actually finishing up watching an episode of Futurama. Something about crab actors getting fake Oscars. I’m not that into it, mostly due to me being tired and eating too much food. I’m still thinking about eating some ice cream, though.

Alright, changing over to A & E. Ugh. Dog the Bounty Hunter is still on. It’s like seeing somebody wearing Jnco jeans. Just not cool anymore and definitely dated. And straight-up ugly.

Okay, the intro – waking up and getting excited.

Starts with “Johnny, I only got one more shift before I set off to LA.” Wow, they know how to get you sucked in immediately.

Apparently a man was shot. Lots of talk on walkie talkies. Seagal got out of this SUV. It’s like watching a fat man get out of a Ford Escort. Not a comfortable watching experience.

And now there’s a dead man on the street, and loud weeping of family members. Wow, do I feel like an jerk. Seagal can be so genuine when this sort of thing happens. Matter of fact, but in an empathetic way (“the bullet could’ve gone through his lung, and possibly his heart”). I mean, really, I’m not kidding. He seems as genuine as a pastor right here.

Alright, they’re checking stuff out all around and finding evidence. Determination: two shooters. Also “These guys blew off a lot of rounds, boy.” I almost said that’s what she said out loud, but I didn’t. This really is kind of a sad scene.

Seagal is acting all CSI on us (I feel he got shot here, ran up around here, then passed away here).

Seagal informs us that he’s seen an awful lot of people killed from guns and drugs. Do the characters in “Out for Justice” count as real people?

Man, this was a ridiculously depressing bit going on.

Seagal, by the way, looks like he’s wearing designer tinted police shooting glasses. If you saw them, you’d know what I mean. I’m just thinking to myself that Seagal probably has a very sizeable checking account balance.

Okay, another homicide. Goodness. This poor guy was shot from a person inside the vehicle. More weeping by people outside. No leads on this one, some police dude tells Seagal. Double S blows out in a heavy sigh.

This is not a good day for our hero Steven.

Two homicides today, and Seagal has to go back on the street (By the way, the homicide detectives show up, that’s why the street cops are going out again. And yes, the detective is fat and wearing a tie. Stereotypes from the Dennis Franz days of NYPD Blue ring true again). Seagal: “I’d really like to catch that shooter, man, but I only have one more shift before I have to go back to LA.” I want to say that’s a dick thing to say, but I believe he means it. Regardless, I don’t believe I’m going to have closure on these two murders.

There are some runners, action, busy music, and of course FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK

I decide to wikipedia the La Brea Tar Pits.

That being said, there was a commercial (I’ve seen this before) for the Steven Seagal Lawman kit. Which is cartoonishly childish, but I can see myself buying it when I come home after having some adult beverages and I watch this on demand on some night.

I determine I’d like to go to the La Brea Tar Pits.

We’re back!

Chubby, built, white bald officer running after some dudes. They just barge into some dumpy looking place with guns out.

They get some guys who could’ve had crack or guns. I thought they did, but now they don’t. There’s serious music playing, so, what am I supposed to think?

These guys are “fake” scared of Double S and ask for his autograph. They let them go. Seagal gives them a stern talking to – “Stay away from the guns and the drugs.” They promise they’ll stay away from drugs. A promise to Steven Seagal on his reality TV cop show. Take that to the bank.

Man, Seagal’s hair is just looking more wig-like everyday.

Shift’s over. They’re now talking about movie scenes. Gotta be honest – it’s everything you can imagine.

Let me go over what creating a movie is like with him (I’m paraphrasing now):
– I could come over here and kill most of these guys
– Then I could run across the street here
– You could say something in here where you say “I’m going to kill you,” in Chinese
– Then you have an AK-47, I go here, here, here, then you’re on the ground and I kick you in the face and I kill you.

Right? Totally what you think it’s going to be. On par with Orson Welles or Charlie Kaufman.

Alright, back to him being a cop again and it’s nighttime.

They just do a lot of driving around.

They see some dude walking around and he drops something. they stop. Seagal again has this premonition about him, and the camera goes all slow-down-Matrix-kinda when he thinks he sees something.

COMMERCIAL

Just had a commercial for Steven Seagal “The Keeper.” Yeah, I should check that out. Also, is it his policy to only wear shirts that are buttoned up all the way to the top now? Even in the most intense of action scenes, the ponytailed assassin looks like he is chilly and should just fetch a cardigan. I mean, I don’t know if it’s a bad look, but it’s not a natural one.

There was a commercial for Smart Balance fake butter, focusing heavily on Denmark. It did not make me want to buy this product. Marketing research fail.

Well, I’ll have more time on Wednesdays after this series is over.

BACK

Seagal is wearing something like a Russian army hat on his head. It is goofy looking. And re-inforces the wig theory.

Apparently – these kids they stopped right now are the same kids that promised SS they would stay away from drugs. Dumb idiot kids. They had what Steven Seagal calls “a whole pile of drugs.” And that seems about right.

I bet Seagal would totally break this kid’s arm slowly if it were a movie.

Seagal talks about how great of a kid he, himself was, just spending all his youth in a dojo. Yeah, well, you know what Seagal, some of us fell asleep in Math class.

Wow, this kid got 4 1/2 for having coke. Not really … awesome…

Seagal is heading back to LA, so he says that he’s going to say goodbye to “his team.”

Everyone talks about how super awesome he is.

They just had a shot of SS in the rearview mirror. He looked…fat. Undeniably so.

It ends with him “I’m really looking forward to coming back here and getting more bad guys.” We are too.

UPDATE:

I just had a dream where Steven Seagal was wearing this weird Russian sort of police hat and talking to a crowd of people at a mall. Somehow that hat falls off and Seagal is really balding and he’s totally embarassed. He starts kicking people really hard out of frustration, finds his hat, and runs out of this mall with his hands over his face, like a scene from a chick flick.

1) I realize that I just admitted to having dreams with Seagal in them. I think this is the first time (probably a lie).

2) I felt like I really needed to share this.

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3 Responses to “And so it ends – liveblogging the Lawman season finale”

  1. The Action Girl Says:

    Sometimes, I wonder why I like you and then I ask myself, “Why wouldn’t I like you?”

    Reply

  2. DRock Says:

    Dolbey is the man.

    Reply

  3. Sundeep Says:

    Sometimes I too have dreams about Steven Seagal. He’s usually my sidekick.

    Reply


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