Liveblogging the first two (back-to-back) episodes of Lawman

Wed, Dec 2, 2009

Dolbey, Featured, News

dolbeyPre-gaming: I have to say, I’m pretty excited. From how it’s been promoted, this looks like Cops with Seagal. Money. Oh, and I’ll try to make it pretty evident when Seagal is talking with quotes.

But, I must say, I am sacrificing. A lot. I’m kind of tired (despite my overwhelming excitement), but more importantly, I’m missing Wisconsin Badgers v. Duke. And the Badgers are dominating so far in the early stages of the first half. AND Brent Musburger is announcing (who is clearly the best in that business). Growl sound!

Still, I’m ready, and I’m excited. Make this worth it, Seagal.

5 minutes before the start: Starting to settle in now. I’m not going to be able to switch back and forth between Lawman and the Badgers game on my TV very easily during commercials (mostly because half the buttons on my remote are broken), so I’m catching the last couple minutes of what’s on A&E before this epic premiere.

Dog the Bounty Hunter is on. It was never my show. Is anyone else surprised that this thing is still on?

Dog’s wife clearly had some work done. But there’s only so much work you can do on this much ugly.

Credits rolling on Dog the Bounty Hunter. Also, just checked the Badgers game. So far, it looks like the game of the year. Great.

OPENING FOR LAWMAN!!!

hahaha

This is awesome already. I’m squealing with excitement.

Seagal, in his narration, is clearly bragging, but he’s trying to push it off as just matter of fact, ho-hum. Which could be more insidious than if he was just straight up bragging.

“I made a living in the movies, but for the past 20 years, I’ve also been a cop.” Alright, I’m in. You got me. Looking good.

Did he get hair plugs? Is this not a well-kept secret? Maybe it’s just paint on his scalp.

Wow, he has one of the fattest faces ever. We’ll be seeing a lot of that mug, aren’t we?

His talking…you can just tell that he’s trying so hard to impart beautiful nuggets of wisdom on to people who are either going to say “Man, that’s wise” or “Will this guy ever shut up?!”

“Intelligence is golden, the more we know about what’s happening out there, the safer we are.”

He’s really proud about his martial arts training. Really proud. That’s like some friend you haven’t seen in eight years just casually referencing how he was in the Peace Corps in sub-Saharan Africa. If you ask further about the issue, your friend will just talk about how it was “great to help those people.”

Also really good at downplaying his movie career. Oh, yeah, I was in the movies. For 20 years or something. I don’t know. Fuggitaboutit.

“It can be really dangerous out on these streets…” and then he talks about putting himself in harm’s way.

– They’re out driving at nighttime.

Friday 8.35 — they go into the worst neighborhoods. This is great.

Seagal just said that these are in “the ‘jects. These are the projects.”

Really, this couldn’t get more wonderful for me.

He is very full of himself, and it’s lovely.

He’s talking randomly into the camera while riding shotgun in an SUV. Really philosophical stuff of course. Good vs. evil stuff.

ONLY FOUR MINUTES IN, and they’re already in pursuit of a suspected carjacking.

Seagal is clearly an annoying passenger when he’s not driving. “Watch for this car? This guy?” — other cop who is driving: “I’m driving. I got it.”

He just said “we got a lot of units ready to block this guy in.” And he does an approving and authoritative head nod. A helicopter shot of what looks like a warehouse district – and we cut to commercial.

COMMERCIAL break #1: Pretty tense first few minutes. I’m pretty impressed. Seagal definitely is trying to hype up his sense of judging people and his ability to sense danger. Of course, this hasn’t come into practice so far. There was a call for a suspected carjacking and his cop SUV isn’t even remotely close to being the first on this car’s tail. No premonition about that. Seagal is hootin’ and hollerin’ in the car, totally getting ready to collar some bad guy. It’s like he’s giddy.

There’s a commercial for a (Michael) Jackson family miniseries. Really A&E? Really? I’m watching Lawman.

OKAY WE’RE BACK

Buckle up, there’s a lot of crazy camera work. Lots of just cutting back and forth and shaking up and down.

There’s a man who’s clearly being subdued, then a mass of people on him. Like seven cops on this man.

And then you just hear Seagal yell TASER TASER TASER. He wasn’t the Taser-er, but he was yeller.

Shortly thereafter he starts saying everybody should just calm down. Great. And then Seagal’s the one who’s putting the guy in the squad. What were the chances that he was actually the one who first put him in this cop car? It had that feel of “better re-shoot this one so big S over there is putting the perp into the car” to me.

He’s inspecting a rifle, and talking about it like an expert. But, like a fake expert character in a movie. “This is a fast round.” Really? That’s not very technical. I probably could’ve said that. – Uh, this is a bullet, right? Yeah, I bet that goes fast. You know why? Because it’s coming from a gun.

They show a mug of the guy that just got thrown in the slammer. Of course, they put a caption that says he’s presumed innocent until proven guilty. That right there, this faux presumption of innocence from a show starring Steven Seagal as a cop, made this show that much better.

So, Seagal is going on in the cop SUV again about how every gun off the street means one less that’s not going to shoot us (the police).

SCENE CHANGE TO a shooting range

Again, Seagal can only be so humble: “I’m a master shooter.”

Seagal is with some other guy who I guess needs work on his marksmanship in order to be an active cop. Seagal as wise teacher.

They start target shooting from 30 feet away, Just shooting this paper target guy in the forehead with their handguns. No other place, Seagal is just nailing this dude right between the eyes.

He just said “master of your discipline.” Seemed like a non-sequiter at the time.

Seagal is an amazing shot. Like, really good. He is shooting tips off of matches. He wants to just nick the match to light it, but he only shot the match head off. He says he’s disappointed, but I am clearly amazed by his skill. I never thought I’d say that and mean that about Steven Seagal.

He’s telling this guy who needs help to just “push the bullet out”

“You’re just guiding it.”

Now he’s telling this crapshot to not flinch, no recoil, either. You have to understand that this is really easy for Seagal to say and mean it – but it really only applies to himself. His hands are as big as footballs.

“From the time we started to the time he finished, I think he learned something”

Seagal said this guy got some sort of “Asian Zen lesson.” What does that actually mean? And what does Zen have to do with guns and target practice.

BACK ON PATROL:

There are some people yelling at the police right now, and I have no idea what they’re saying. Apparently they’re complaining about some guy who got too drunk. They frisk this “drunk” and tell him to go home and sleep it off. That’s good cop work.

Someone just said that they forget Steven’s a movie star. Doubtful. He’s philosophizing the whole time. And you’re talking about Steven Seagal. It’s not like he’s some extra from Couples Retreat.

He’s babbling inside his cop SUV about aikido now. Seagal would be that guy. You know what I mean. — Oh, you don’t know about organics? It’s … (and so on and so forth for fifteen minutes). And then you’re just a better person. I have some stuff you should read.

Seagal just said, “if they run, chase them down. Johnny and I will cut him off at the pass.” In the real world, that means absolutely nothing.

“They running. …” cut scene “… Better stop or you gonna get tased”

COMMERCIAL.

20 minutes in, and this is the second commercial break. Some stuff has been happening, so it’s not mega-annoying, but they definitely leave you with some cliffhangers. At least it’s not BUILD UP BUILD UP BUILD UP BUILD UP commercial – Back to show, tiny pay off — back to BUILD UP BUILD UP BUILD UP. Everyone knows reality shows like this. Because, it’s almost every one. Lawman really is a little like Cops. Just Cops with Seagal.

So far, from what I’ve been able to judge, Jefferson Parish (where this takes place), is a pretty rough place. Makes me wonder if Cops has actually ever filmed there. It appears the racial makeup of this parish is overwhelmingly black and almost all the cops are white.

BACK

Seagal kind of lounges in the passenger SUV seat like a chubby person waiting in line at a drive through window – this is especially funny with his bullet proof vest on.

They are now on foot looking for some suspicious persons (aside, why is it always suspicious persons and not suspicious people?) It’s just kind of a lot of shots of Seagal and police officers wandering around some streets and fences with overgrown yards. Some other cop somewhere else catches some dude.

Seagal is looking for evidence, and vaguely shining his flashlight up at a brick wall. Literally 20 feet up a straight wall. What could be up there? There are no ledges to throw things up there. It’s just a wall.

Seagal just said “hinky” as the camera pans down to some ominous shots of people coming down the street – kind of scary. Seagal points out that this bunch of jerks are showing their presence so the man in custody won’t spill the beans. About what? Idunno.

Seagal about these guys (who don’t have any faces, but have baggy clothes): “Studying martial arts as long as I have, they can normally tell these predators…”

Seagal is compassionate, in a way. Tough but gentle. He says that he needs to get the man in custody outta here. In his movie, he would just let him out of the car, hit him in the face and “feed him to the wolves” because he had a marijuana cigarette.

CUT TO THE OTHER COP’S GUN TEST (the guy he was training, err, mentoring? earlier)

Seagal watches on intently.

The dude passes by one point. Seagal’s kind of funny, and jokes with the guy.

The show is only half an hour? Wow. I feel cheated.

Wait, is there an encore presentation? Wait, am I getting a double shot? What? Do I get two Lawman? Really? I’m encouraged by this preview.

I AM — LAWMAN, EPISODE TWO

It’s Friday night

“If there are any guys out there thinking about committing aggravated assault” Wow. I bet there are a bunch of folks just waiting for the right moment to beat someone mercilessly for no good reason. What does this mean?

“If you can’t anticipate an attack, then you can’t defend against one.”

Awesome. Gems like this one are dropped all the time.

There are suspicious persons afoot here.

Seagal thinks there are suspicious persons. They get out of the car to check on them.

Okay, Seagal and another fat cop are chasing two young skinny kids. There’s no way they’re catching him.

Apparently this guy dropped his cell phone and a 95-G. I have no idea what kind of gun that is, but that sounds dangerous.

So, they are just using this cell phone, and calling in a picture found on this cell as this dude’s description. I suppose that’s practical police work, but still seems like a Chief Wiggum move. “eh, we couldn’t catch him, just call in this pic we found on a cell phone.”

CUT to next scene – In some GYM SOMEWHERE TEACHING COPS

Man, Seagal cannot stop talking about how much he knows about martial arts.

Now he’s going to teach some rando cops on his force some martial arts stuff.

Seagal has a talking head about how: “I’m one of the highest ranking aikido teachers in the world….”

“Aikido is written in the way of harmony”

So, Seagal is dressed in a very comfortable looking attire of loose pants and a sensible untucked button up. All the cops are in full uniform with full utility belt. Did they not have time to grab some shorts?

Seagal towers over all these guys. I know he’s a big dude, but I mean, he’s a head taller than everybody. Either he’s way taller than I thought, or these cops are super short.

CUT TO NIGHT SCENE in the SUV, lights go on for some reason I’m not sure

COMMERCIAL.

Alright, I just checked the Badgers game. 50 – 53 Badgers up. Oof. I’m missing one heckuva game.

Okay, there’s a clothes washing commercial. I’m not sure what Resolve Bright and White is, but it’s not detergent. A laundry booster? Yeah, I don’t think so. Advertising on the wrong program, Resolve. I resolve to not buy your product.

Commercial for Psychic Kids. Yeah, not watching that one either.

WE’RE BACK

Apparently there’s some big fight afoot. They’re afraid of guns being there.

Seagal does very informative talking head cutaway scenes. He just told us that there was a big fight, with 15-20 people. I’m caught up now.

Four guys get pulled over in a silver truck. There are a lot of denials going on. I say they’re innocent. Let ‘em all go. These guys at 1:30 in the morning look like a trustworthy group.

Oh, wait, that’s not happening. They’re going to question them. Apparently these white boys in the silver truck started this fight.

Seagal: “Everybody’s going to jail for fighting.” That’s good cop work.

Man, Seagal really talks like a cop. “They don’t do things right, they could’ve just walked away.” It’s pretty phenomenal how much he talks like a cop, and not just faking it.

Seagal just told somebody that this guy that’s now in cuffs is not a very good Zen practitioner.

This Zen practitioner just kicked out the back window of the cop cruiser. Cops come out of everywhere, looking angry, slamming car doors, and then just tased the hell out of him through the broken window. I nominate him for Lawman winner of the week.

CUT TO LATER THAT night.

Clearly in the prostitute part of town. Seagal tells us “a lot” of murders and “drug slinging” happen around here.

Great scene. Slow mo of him looking backward, then a cut to a random car. “Let’s check that out. I think they’re drinkin’.”

Now he’s out, and there is yelling for folks to get out of the car.

COMMERCIAL

Dag yo. Another pretty good show. Plenty of commercials, but there’s enough action and story between the breaks to keep me interested. But, I’ve been typing furiously this entire time, so maybe that’s part of it.

Ach! Commercial at the Badgers game, too. I do not approve. Is the game over already? Is Kyle Singler out of the game for Duke? I can only speculate.

A commercial for a fatty-looking meat sandwich from Subway. Finally, a commercial that fits this demographic.

WE’RE BACK

A herd of cops is around a car with some open containers in the car. Wow, this dude is drinking Goldschlager in the car. Did not see that coming.

Oh, man, one of the car drunks has a gun in his pants. Not looking good for him.

This show is a lot like Cops. A lot of cops saying never let your guard down, and doing procedural stuff, like calling in guns and stuff.

Seagal is literally scolding this guy for having his loaded gun on him in the car (he legally possessed it, fyi). “I’m not here for you, I’m here for murderers….but…” blah blah blah don’t have a loaded gun on you in the car, we’re putting this in the trunk and the bullets in the glove box.

CUT TO SOME GYM

In theory, he’s teaching the “community” (whatever that means in this context. Looks like a bunch of fat young girls) some martial arts business.

Seagal just said “I’ve been doing martial arts for more than 40 years.” He loves saying this. He probably wanted to say “I’m only 41 years old. And barely.”

He’s wearing a zip up hoodie sweatshirt with some pretty good-looking stencil designs. It’s half zipped up, and he’s looking fat.

Now he’s in his t-shirt and he’s covered in sweat. No surprise.

Show’s over.

I wonder how cops feel about him showing up with his cameras. In general, it seems like his colleagues there enjoy his company (except if you’re driving with him in the car).

This parish is a pretty rough area, I’m sure there’s some redeemable parts, but you didn’t see any evidence of that in the game.

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