Crank: A dating experience

Mon, Apr 20, 2009

Dolbey, Featured, Reviews

dolbey1I woke up early Saturday morning. Knowing that my girlfriend was out kind of late, having some beer and dinner with her friends (and me not returning her “bed-time” calls, because I fell asleep at 10), I figure 6 o’clock on a Saturday is a perfect time to call.

After getting through the initial groans and “why’d you call me’s,” I ask her if she wanted to see a movie with me.

“Yeah, sure. What movie?”

Well, what movie is out right now that there are a lot of commercials for that you don’t want to see?

“There are several.”

Well, I want to see…Crank…2.

*Uncomfortable pause*

“I don’t want to see that one.”

I know, that’s kind of the point. You see, I’m starting a Web site with some friends, and…

“(Waking up pterodactyl noises) We’ll talk about this later. When are you coming up here?”

It took another 24 hours and promises to do things she hasn’t even thought of yet, but she went to this movie. I even pointed out that Yahoo users gave the movie a “B.”

“Yeah, but those people are only people like you who rate this thing.”

Perhaps she was on to me, this wasn’t for the “Pride and Prejudice” crowd.

I rented Crank, mostly to watch it beforehand and I almost asked her if she wanted to watch it with me. But, after thinking about it, I decided it’d be easier to persuade her if she had no context of the amount of testosterone involved in these movies. I think that you need at least two testicles to appreciate the Crank franchises, but you get more out of it if you have three.

The movie starts with what the action girl considered — and perhaps accurately — one of the more obnoxious, loud music and spasm-inducing computer, bright lights flashing in movie history. I could already feel that the beatdown-level in this fine piece was going to approach divine proportions at the same time I could sense the action girl staring at me rather than in greedy anticipation at the silver screen.

This was going to be good.

I’m not going to go into why we, the fans of this genre, watch action movies and why we enjoy them so much (that’s clearly worthy of a whole column in itself). But, I will say that if I go to an action movie and the action girl loves it, it’s great. If I go, and I know she hates it, I might love it more. I feed off of it. Like the mafia. If you’re making a lot of money, I get paid. If you don’t, I just shake you down and steal your place. However, I could tell this would be a long car ride back to her apartment.

And so it went. Every time that there was something awesome or outrageous happened, I knew she would just be staring at me. I would look over with the glee of a child receiving a puppy on Christmas, only to see the eyes of a grumpy owl staring back at me. I’ve had this experience before. I met up with some friends that she clearly did not like. After hearing a few hours of their bad jokes and me paying attention to them while barely acknowledging her presence, I was face
to face with the angry glare of someone who must’ve thought I murdered her entire family.

After the movie was over, we shared a silent walk back to the car.  Fittingly, it was cold and raining.

Do you want to talk about what just happened, I asked her as I buckled my seatbelt.


I took about five minutes on the road before she exploded.

“That movie is every thing that’s wrong with America. It’s everything that I hate about America. And you say you hate ridiculous things in movies … Talk about ridiculous! Ridiculous? Here are seven plates of ridiculous for dessert!”

I didn’t know what exactly she was referring to, whether it was when a fight scene turned into a Godzilla-warriors-in-masks throwdown (Action Girl: “well, that just fit in with everything else, didn’t it?”), or when Chev actually used a car battery and jumper cables to get his “strawberry tart” going.

“And who laughs at these jokes? They’re not funny.”

She went on about how bad the acting was (check), the cheesy one-liners (check), the wonderful little daydream fantasy vignettes that make little sense (an awesome check) and the senseless gore (of course). She also didn’t appreciate the racist overtones and all the “slanty-eyed” jokes. I’m sorry, but people are prejudiced in the real world. It’s mean out there.

She went on to say how the movie just targets the lowest common denominator of people, which she said succeeds “remarkably well.” As for the demographics that attend these movies, she theorized that “poor, white trash” and “poor black people” go to these movies.

I told her I hope she’s not judging me by this.

“Oh, I am.”

My only real hope is that I can drag her to see some more movies soon.

lah3According to the Action Girl, “this movie was terrible … and you’re going to give this thing four fucking Jason Fucking-Ruining-America Statham Heads.” So silly. It would be inappropriate to give a new movie starring Jason Statham a full compliment of Statham heads for ratings. No, it deserves two Jason Stathams and two Sly Stallones.


As for the action girl’s rating, she said it was “like watching a NASCAR race, catfish noodling and four other white trash sports I’ve never seen all in one,” but settled on giving it five Hitlers.



One Response to “Crank: A dating experience”

  1. mary Says:

    I think Dolbey wrote a great story about his dating experience and seeing Crank 2! For this reason, I am planning on seeing Crank 2 with my husband next weekend. I plan on reading many more reviews and visiting this website as often as possible
    ~Thanks Guys!


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