Flashback: LAH talk chicks, diaper rash

buttpaste

This week’s “Flashback Friday” column comes to us straight out of late 2006, when DRock and Goat sifted through letters from thousands of rabid LAH fans. The dynamic duo not only answered critiques from female readers who felt the column was too male-centric, but also looked into potential connections between JCVD and butt paste.

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It’s that time of the year again — time for the LAH Mailbag! Every day, we get hundreds of letters, proposals and gifts from our legions of adoring fans. If the editors at The Badger Herald gave us the room to address each and every one, we would. However, reality dictates that we can only address four at this time. So, in the tradition of Charles Parsons and his affinity for the females on “Deep Space 9,” let’s get it on!

lah3Yo LAH Haters,

I was watching Dr. Phil this weekend and they was talkin’ about two sistas and shit who couldn’t get along then they cut to commercial. Wellz I went to the refrigerator and got me some Twix, chicken and Totino’s Pizza Rolls and when I got back they had this commercial on TV for Boudreaux’s Butt Paste. It’s supposed to ease some shit on a baby’s ass after he go toilet. Got me thinking and I remembered Chance Boudreaux was the star of Hard Target. Is there any connection between this ass cream and Van Damme? If y’all think I’m lying about this, go to http://www.buttpaste.com and check it yourself. Fo realz.

Sincerely,

Butt Paste Blues

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drock1Dear BPB,

I checked out the Web site you recommended and damn, it does share the same name as one of the legendary Van Damme characters. Let’s get one thing clear here, JCVD is not behind this product nor is he a user. Now with that out of the way, Boudreaux’s Butt Paste and Chance Boudreaux of “Hard Target” fame do share some things in common.

The Makers of Boudreaux’s Butt Paste swear the cream “goes on and cleans off easily,” “treats and protects” and has a “pleasant scent.” Reading through the customer testimonials, this seems to be the case. Now, let’s back up for a second and look at the situation like this: JCVD is the butt paste, and the villains are whatever nasty diaper rash shows up on a baby’s bottom.

JCVD setting his patented rattlesnake trapIn “Hard Target,” JCVD mows down villains like there’s no tomorrow. It appears that Boudreaux’s Butt Paste mows down severe diaper rash, yeast infections and situations where babies have “a really sore butt especially on the sides of [their] butt crack.” All of these situations were remedied with application of the butt paste. Just as all of the obstacles in between Chance Boudreaux and his final goal of obtaining a boat ticket were eliminated. In both cases, the respective Boudreauxs didn’t do the job alone. For the butt paste, someone has to apply the ass cream — thanks, Mom! In the case of Chance Boudreaux and “Hard Target,” the successful conclusion of the movie was not possible without the ferocious Wilford Brimley on horseback.

So while the two are definitely not related, and JCVD would never be found endorsing such a wretched product, the two both excel at kicking some serious ass, no pun intended.

lah3Dear LAH,

I’ve been reading your column for many years and must say it brings a smile to my face every time it graces the pages of the Herald. The only thing I feel you guys haven’t really looked into is the contribution of female action stars. I’m talking about greats like Sigourney Weaver, Lucy “Warrior Princess” Lawless and even Uma Thurman. I would strongly encourage you both to broaden your horizons a bit and give women a shot at attaining action hero status.

Sincerely,

Girl for the Action Equality of Women

goatDear GAEW,

You really do provide a solid argument for the rights of women everywhere to be considered action stars. In a film community almost completely dominated by bearded men and foreigners, female action heroes have a difficult time making names for themselves. The women you’ve named (all of whom I’d agree have attained a certain level of action legitimacy) are great examples for the rest of the industry, showing that even if you have long hair and breasts, you can still kick some ass — then again, Steven Seagal also hammers that one home.

Because you’ve really pointed out a weak point in our action-packed history, we’ve agreed to look into female action stars and dedicate at least one future column to it. So you’ve got that going for you. In the meantime, I would like to take a little time to examine some female action greats and shed some light on their contributions to the action realm. You mentioned Sigourney Weaver, who I would definitely agree is an action heroine in her own right. She follows all of the tried and true steps to becoming an action hero: She is incredibly rugged and unattractive (think Seagal), she fights alien invaders with cunning combat (a la Norris) and she’s fluent in both French and German (like JCVD). For anyone who has seen any of the “Alien” films, she also manages to wipe the floor with creatures that not only kill numerous co-stars but also bleed acid. When is the last time Sylvester Stallone took on an acid-bleeder? How about never.

Explosions make everything betterMoving on, you also pointed toward Lucy Lawless as an action heroine. I’m inclined to agree with you, but not quite as enthusiastically as with Weaver. “Xena” was a pretty kickass show, but I never thought she was in the same league as television superstar Kevin Sorbo. “Hercules: The Legendary Journeys” is to “Xena: Warrior Princess” what “Under Siege” is to “Under Siege 2” — more original and definitely of superior quality. I can’t take too much away from Lawless, as she was pretty awesome in “Eurotrip”…but that’s a topic for another time.

And finally, you’ve got Uma. Sure, “Kill Bill” was awesome and Uma looked pretty bad ass in her yellow tracksuit. But the only other real action role she has ever truly taken on was that of Poison Ivy in “Batman & Robin.” When someone’s action résumé includes a feature role in perhaps the worst action-related film ever created, it’s more than enough to shun her from action status for life. Uma can go back to making more shitty romantic comedies — leave the action to the real femme fatales.

lah3Dear Last Action Heroes,

I was wondering if anyone could give us an update as to the status of one of the original fathers of action criticism, Joe. I miss his witty antics on the page and his domination and relegation of Derek to the discount bin of action critics. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Ciao!

Sincerely,

A Ziemer Z-psycho!

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drock1Dear AZZ,

Thanks for your comments on my action know-how. I appreciate them a lot. Joe has graduated from the University of Wisconsin and has moved on to bigger and better things. He spent a year as the tour manager for Ja Rule before leaving the position to spearhead the Ja Rule Tribute Band. The resulting CD was so bad and resulted in so much bad press for Ja that a restraining order was issued, forcing Joe to keep at least 1,000 yards from any event that Ja Rule may be attending.

After a stint in hip-hop, Joe returned to Madison in December 2005 to help facilitate his replacement to the level of an acceptable LAH legend. After much work, the job was completed in just a couple of weeks. He single-handedly exorcised the demons from Goat’s head. One of the most trying incidents during the whole ordeal was convincing Goat that the snowplow man was not out to get him, that he (Goat) did not actually possess a blade and that the Lake Street parking lot is not his home nor will walking around in it for 45 minutes get him to his home.

Once this work was complete, Joe was arrested in May 2006 for the systematic execution and genocide of nearly 2,000 Lego men, women and children at Lego Land at the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minn. After substantial mental treatment and evaluation, he was released two months ago under a work-release program and currently resides in Altoona. Joe requests that his fans please do not try to contact him for fear of what he might do, but thanks them for their comments, feedback and appreciation for his contribution to the action genre.

Great question, AZZ!

lah3

Dear LAH,

With The Rock now doing fewer action films, what bearing does that have on his future in your eyes. I know you have both often touted Rocky as the action superstar of the future, but I can’t help but think he’s slowly slipping into obscurity. Does his future hold action or simply more Disney fluff?

A Concerned Rock Fan

Dear ACRF,goat

I share your pain…trust me. When The Rock first started out in film, he had a bit role in “The Mummy 2.” It was certainly passable but nothing spectacular. But when someone had the phenomenal idea to let Rocky take the reigns of the film with “The Scorpion King,” the guy looked pretty legit. I mean, he pulled an arrow out of himself and hurled it into a guy — who does that? He continued down the action path with “The Rundown” and “Walking Tall,” both tremendous films in their own rights.

That’s why it came as a bit of a shock when he threw all of that away and decided it would be a good idea to take lackluster roles in “Be Cool” and “Gridiron Gang.” His only real attempt at an action film in the past couple of years is “Doom,” one of the most terrible action journeys to be found anywhere. And that includes all of Seagal’s straight-to-DVD films. He has the lead role in “Spy Hunter,” coming out in 2007, but that’s not enough to ensure his return to his action-packed roots. Why? Well, following “Spy Hunter,” he’ll appear in a Disney film about a football player trying to raise his daughter and will star in “Johnny Bravo.”

So is The Rock’s action career basically finished? Is a string of terrible films that couldn’t be farther from action a sign that he has forgotten what made him so great in the first place and will continue making said terrible films? You tell me. All I know is, I won’t be holding my breath for a “Scorpion King 2,” as awesome as that would be.

(Editor’s note: “The Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior,” featuring legendary UFC ass-kicker Randy Couture, was released two years after this column initially ran. It does look incredibly terrible, so a future review on www.lastactionheroes.com looks promising.)

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3 Responses to “Flashback: LAH talk chicks, diaper rash”

  1. Angela Says:

    ““Hercules: The Legendary Journeys” is to “Xena: Warrior Princess” what “Under Siege” is to “Under Siege 2” — more original and definitely of superior quality.”

    I have to say I completely disagree. Xena (the show and character) went on to become an international icon, and overshadowed (and became far more popular) than Hercules.

    As for quality, I don’t know what you mean by that specifically.

    With a character that is clean and ‘nice’ as Hercules was made in this particular version, there was very few stories to tell. They still had a basic format to follow (whilst Xena is an original made up character). In nearly every episode, Hera is upset with Hercules because of her grudge with Zeus’ infidelity (the Gods are petty and cruel, ya ya we get it) and tries to kill him in several different ways. That’s the basic premise of the first season, which is fine, but afterward it got to be redundant.

    Not that every Xena episode is a masterpiece; certainly not. And in Xena’s first season, it kind of followed a warlord-of-the-week like Smallville’s freak-of-the-week. But I can think of some stand out episodes of Xena’s, and none of Hercules besides the trilogy when Xena was first introduced as a villain, ironically. I did however like the ‘Hercules and the…’ telemovies they had made for Hercules before they made it in the series, but that was when they were following the mythology very closely.

    Its interesting the note the essential difference between Xena and Hercules; Hercules is more known to fight supernatural things, while Xena deals with the more human side because she is not a half God. Kind of like Superman and Batman — ah, but Kevin Sorbo is no Christopher Reeve. Lucy Lawless is a far better actor than Kevin Sorbo.

    OK, I’m obviously biased…as you can see. Just had to get a few points in!!

    Reply

    • admin Says:

      Good points indeed. Thanks for your input. We will keep what you said in mind when we do our first female action hero column, which will probably feature a number of feminine action stars, one of which I am sure will be Xena. Thanks for reading!!

      – DRock

      Reply

  2. Jake Says:

    “Kevin Sorbo is no Christopher Reeve”
    Well, there’s the understatement of all time! Unlike Sorbs, Reeve actually had a career to speak of after he did Superman.

    Reply


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