Statham not immune to making horrible movies

Thu, May 14, 2009

Featured, Joe, Reviews

joeJason Statham’s been getting a lot of Last Action Heroes love lately. Now I like Statham. He’s got a sweet accent, he’s pretty badass and he makes some good action movies. But I think it’s only fair to point out that even Statham makes a truly horrible movie here and there. And I’m not talking about a movie somebody’s girlfriend thinks is really bad. I’m talking about a movie that the Last Action Heroes think is terrible. To examine such a movie we journey back several months to a day I spent sick on the coach and an awful film called “In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale.”

Now I’m not going to have any exact details to work with here — total kills, Statham kills, beatdowns and whatnot. Getting those figures would require me to rewatch this piece of shit and take notes. That’s simply not something I’m prepared to do at this time. So we’re going purely off memory here.

Basically, this movie — which is based on the Dungeon Siege computer game — is some sort of “Lord of the Rings” ripoff. Statham plays some dude named Farmer, who is — wait for it — a farmer. Secretly though, he’s the heir to some throne. Then a bunch of ugly Orc-like things attack the countryside and take his wife, causing him to fight and kill a bunch of monster things. Eventually, he saves the day and gets his hot wife back. And he becomes king. Hurray, Statham!

In the Name of the KingAnyone who wants a more in-depth plot summary can watch it themselves. And if you really care enough to watch it, you’re an idiot.

Basically, it’s like one of those porn versions of a real movie. It’s a porn “Lord of the Rings” … without the pornography. Just bad acting, a bad script and poor production quality.

It appears the only thing that money was spent when whatever Algonquin Roundtable convened to plan this film was on bizarre casting. The initial king is played by Burt Reynolds. Yep, that Burt Reynolds. And he does the whole thing in his normal Burt Reynolds voice. That meshes nicely with Statham’s accent.

Then there’s the evil wizard played by Ray Liotta. He is not good. Perhaps Ray’s magic can help him go back in time and portray Shoeless Joe Jackson correctly. Dude batted left and threw right, Ray, not the other way around!

Better yet, go back in time and make me pick another movie off the OnDemand channel. One that doesn’t suck.

I award this movie the poor rating of three Richard Geres. Long may it appear at 3 a.m. on SciFi.



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