Crank: High Voltage

Fri, Apr 17, 2009

DRock, Reviews

drock1If there is an heir apparent to the action throne then it’s probably Jason Statham.  The movies this guy stars in embody everything the movies that Van Damme, Seagal and Schwarzenegger stood for in their prime.  Bad one-liners, horrible acting, insane plots–his movies have it all.  “Crank: High Voltage” was no different.

It might be safe to say that the people who produced this movie were on Crank.  The frenzied camera work and frenetic pace begs  you to keep up and never leaves your mind wandering.  If you were looking for a movie where a lubed-up shotgun gets shoved up a dude’s ass then this movie is for you.  Looking for a guy slicing off both his nipples?  Crank 2 has got it.  Strippers with automatic weapons?  Check.  How about a Mexican man with full-body tourettes?  Check.  Full-fledged sex scene in the middle of a race track?  Oh ya.  It’s not a stretch to think that Seagal could take home an Oscar for some of his performances after watching this gem.

“Crank: High Voltage” is set in Los Angeles and sees Chev Chelios searching for a Chinese mobster who has stolen his heart and replaced it with a battery-powered replacement. The movie starts out where the original Crank left off with Chelios falling off a helicopter onto a busy street where he is immediately scooped up by a group of Chinese gangsters.  Seconds later he is in a room watching people cut out his heart and replace it with the electronic heart.  He then passes out only to wake up to see two other men talking about what organs they plan to harvest next.  The two men are holding a drawing of Chelios’ body and indicate they plan to take his penis next.  “Awww fuck that,” Chelios’ remarks and the killing begins.

While the two penis farmers stood little chance against Chelios, his electronic heart was about the only thing in the movie that could limit him.  Problem was the replacement heart needed charging every hour.  Introduce one of the most awkward scenes in action movie history.  While at the Hollywood Park horse racing facility, Chelios’ heart is getting low on juice so he calls up his friend Doc Miles (Dwight Yoakam) for advice.  Miles tells him friction will  charge up his Strawberry Tart (Chelios’ name for his heart).  This leads to Chelios grinding and groping an elderly woman.  crankratings1While it definitely juiced him up, it wasn’t enough.  His girlfriend Eve (Amy Smart) appears on the scene and they engage in sex acts (sound familiar?)  in the middle of the track in front of thousands.  Needless to say his juices were flowing then.

From there on out it was a lesson in the strange and comical.  When a gunfight breaks out at a strip club, all the strippers who were totally nude seconds before find themselves with automatic weapons.  One stripper gets shot in the chest and her implants start oozing silicone all over the place.  Fast forward to another scene where Chelios is surrounded by the police and an awkward looking Mexican man on a moped rolls up and slaps Chelios.  The two escape the police on the moped, but not before Chelios learns the man has full-body tourettes, which leads to a wild ride.  Toward the end of the movie, Chelios encounters one of his old enemies who was decapitated, but kept alive underwater with a series of tubes for the sole purpose of seeing Chelios die.  Well he sees the man he’s been waiting for, but in the end Chelios drop kicks the head into a pool.

Notes from the Blood Bank look like this…

  • 48 Total Kills, 23 by Chelios
  • 51 Total Beatdowns, 19 by Chelios
  • 13 times Chelios had to juice up his Strawberry Tart

Directors Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor did a masterful job of translating Attention Deficit Disorder to the big screen.  The moment you start thinking “what the fuck just happened” is the moment you get distracted by another WTF moment.  On top of all the grittiness and hyper-reality in “Crank: High Voltage,” there are an abundance of kills, beatdowns and wretched acting.  In all it’s awfulness, it’s a classic action movie.lah3

DRock’s Rating:  Three JCVDs and an LDP for an overall rating of Solid.  The movie had an abundance of kills, beatdowns and memorable moments, but the fact that we were teased for most of the movie by a scantily clad Amy Smart earns “Crank: High Voltage” the lone LDP (Lou Diamond Phillips).


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One Response to “Crank: High Voltage”

  1. Hoople Says:

    Please explain the rating system, I take it Lou Diamond is NOT GOOD.


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