All of us here at LAH hope you had a great Presidents’ Day and bought some new furniture or something.

1. Air Force One

Air Force One is one of those classic movies. Everytime it’s on TV, it’s a channel surfing stopper. All you need to know: Harrison Ford, His plane, get off of it, bad guys.

It also led to the inspiration of this video, which is super awesome and one of my favorites:

2. Independence Day

Who can forget when ID4 came out? Will Smith was in his “I’m still awesome after Fresh Prince and now I’m in movies” days and Bill Pullman has one of the all-time great fake president names: President Thomas J. Whitmore.

It’s not often when a bordering middle aged president climbs into a fighter jet that he hasn’t flown in years (or ever, I mean, the technology updates so quickly on those things) and totally wins the day.

3. The Fifth Element

Oh, you forgot about The Fifth Element being a President movie, I bet. But, you shouldn’t forget about President Lindberg. And this movie is really awesome and has Bruce Willis at his finest. It’s camp, but it’s not. It’s tech-ey, futuristic, but not too much. It’s basically great in every way.

And very few movies that have a scene that starts like this would make this list, so you know it has to be special:

4. Escape from New York

What all do I have to say about this? It’s an awesome movie. The basic plot is this: Everything is going to hell. And I mean everything. Oh, and the President has been captured by bad guys. And the guy who can save him is a fugitive (but former good awesome guy) is named Snake and played by Kurt Russell. If you haven’t, watch it. Now.

5. xXx: State of the Union

Probably Ice Cube’s best movie in his attempt to be an Action Hero. Overall, a pretty good one. Also, how can you go wrong with Samuel L. Jackson constantly saying that he has to “kill a bitch” and Willem Dafoe being a little creepster.

The basic plot is you wondering wear the hell Vin Diesel, excuse me, Xander Cage, went. He’s not really one to be killed. Other than that, it’s about an attempt by a splinter faction of the American military to overthrow and kill the President.

Not that we think about these things in America – nor is this a great forum for it, but it is a neat concept for a movie. Military overtrhows are never even in the consciousness of Americans. Like, it just couldn’t happen. And this movie kind of makes you think about it.

At least for a moment. And then Ice Cube drives a car really fast.

6. In the Line of Fire

More of a thriller than pure action, it’s a slick movie about a down-and-out, but still functioning and employed alcoholic Secret Service agent who is still struggling internally with the day JFK was shot. And now, there’s an assassin (creepstakes award-winner John Malkovich, who is really good in this role) who totally wants to kill this fictional president.

It should also be noted that Clint Eastwood is just awesome. Not just in this movie. But, in general.

Gene Hackman is a manslut, somehow there’s an issue with this old master jewel thief (Eastwood), and then there’s a hitman, some other stuff happened…to be honest, I just remember enjoying this movie, but not much about it. I remember I was kind of creeped out by Eastwood’s character’s relationship with his daughter (played by Laura Linney). But, this is here, because after number 8, the list of quality Presidents in Action movies goes down precipitously.

8. Murder at 1600

Wesley Snipes is a homicide detective who begins to unravel the murder of a White House Secretary at the White House. Your basic thriller with lots of cover-ups.

This movie also one of the greatest quotes in action/thriller history: “I’ve got a murder at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.” Everytime Snipes says that, it’s clearly awesome.

Also, Alan Alda has a special place in my heart.

9. Vantage Point

This is universally thought of at LAH as kind of silly.
Joe: “Vantage Point was terrible.”

Basically – you have President Henry Ashton (not a good Prez name…already off to a bad start) getting assassinated early on. Then, you find terrorists. And, it’s all told from about eight different points of view (or “Vantage Points…” cough). It’s not a bad concept, but mostly just a bad movie.

10. The President’s Man and The President’s Man: A Line in the Sand

The basic plot is the President has a special guy that he goes to whenever there’s some national or international emergency that requires beatdowns and roundhouse kicks. Chuck Norris is that guy.

This is a twofer. Totally better than Vantage Point, it’s a Chuck Norris vehicle, it doesn’t pretend to be something that it’s not, there’s a lot of great action, many laugh out loud hilarious parts (in “Line in the Sand”, Chuck Norris disarms the same nuclear bomb, twice, helped by a handheld electric screwdriver), and it’s an actual action movie.

Why is it all the way down at 10 on this list? They were made for TV movies, and you can totally tell, because the cut-aways to commercials are clearly planned, and when the camera comes back from black, they make another establishing shot. Kind of … cheap. But it’s fun.

This is from The President’s Man: Line in the Sand. Chuck Norris and this other dude (his protege) are fighting a father-and-son terrorist duo. There’s a different guy who plays Norris’s protege in the first movie, who I actually like better.

Honorary Mentions (mostly because they don’t directly involve the President): The Jackal, Bulworth

“Never underestimate your opponent, expect the unexpected,” he tells his flock at the Double Deuce.

Boom. There’s your sermon. Add in some God stuff, Bible yada yadas. Call it a day.

Well said.

This is a nice bookend to an amazing series.

I’m somewhat tired right now.

I’m actually finishing up watching an episode of Futurama. Something about crab actors getting fake Oscars. I’m not that into it, mostly due to me being tired and eating too much food. I’m still thinking about eating some ice cream, though.

Alright, changing over to A & E. Ugh. Dog the Bounty Hunter is still on. It’s like seeing somebody wearing Jnco jeans. Just not cool anymore and definitely dated. And straight-up ugly.

Okay, the intro – waking up and getting excited.

Starts with “Johnny, I only got one more shift before I set off to LA.” Wow, they know how to get you sucked in immediately.

Apparently a man was shot. Lots of talk on walkie talkies. Seagal got out of this SUV. It’s like watching a fat man get out of a Ford Escort. Not a comfortable watching experience.

And now there’s a dead man on the street, and loud weeping of family members. Wow, do I feel like an jerk. Seagal can be so genuine when this sort of thing happens. Matter of fact, but in an empathetic way (“the bullet could’ve gone through his lung, and possibly his heart”). I mean, really, I’m not kidding. He seems as genuine as a pastor right here.

Alright, they’re checking stuff out all around and finding evidence. Determination: two shooters. Also “These guys blew off a lot of rounds, boy.” I almost said that’s what she said out loud, but I didn’t. This really is kind of a sad scene.

Seagal is acting all CSI on us (I feel he got shot here, ran up around here, then passed away here).

Seagal informs us that he’s seen an awful lot of people killed from guns and drugs. Do the characters in “Out for Justice” count as real people?

Man, this was a ridiculously depressing bit going on.

Seagal, by the way, looks like he’s wearing designer tinted police shooting glasses. If you saw them, you’d know what I mean. I’m just thinking to myself that Seagal probably has a very sizeable checking account balance.

Okay, another homicide. Goodness. This poor guy was shot from a person inside the vehicle. More weeping by people outside. No leads on this one, some police dude tells Seagal. Double S blows out in a heavy sigh.

This is not a good day for our hero Steven.

Two homicides today, and Seagal has to go back on the street (By the way, the homicide detectives show up, that’s why the street cops are going out again. And yes, the detective is fat and wearing a tie. Stereotypes from the Dennis Franz days of NYPD Blue ring true again). Seagal: “I’d really like to catch that shooter, man, but I only have one more shift before I have to go back to LA.” I want to say that’s a dick thing to say, but I believe he means it. Regardless, I don’t believe I’m going to have closure on these two murders.

There are some runners, action, busy music, and of course FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK

I decide to wikipedia the La Brea Tar Pits.

That being said, there was a commercial (I’ve seen this before) for the Steven Seagal Lawman kit. Which is cartoonishly childish, but I can see myself buying it when I come home after having some adult beverages and I watch this on demand on some night.

I determine I’d like to go to the La Brea Tar Pits.

We’re back!

Chubby, built, white bald officer running after some dudes. They just barge into some dumpy looking place with guns out.

They get some guys who could’ve had crack or guns. I thought they did, but now they don’t. There’s serious music playing, so, what am I supposed to think?

These guys are “fake” scared of Double S and ask for his autograph. They let them go. Seagal gives them a stern talking to – “Stay away from the guns and the drugs.” They promise they’ll stay away from drugs. A promise to Steven Seagal on his reality TV cop show. Take that to the bank.

Man, Seagal’s hair is just looking more wig-like everyday.

Shift’s over. They’re now talking about movie scenes. Gotta be honest – it’s everything you can imagine.

Let me go over what creating a movie is like with him (I’m paraphrasing now):
- I could come over here and kill most of these guys
- Then I could run across the street here
- You could say something in here where you say “I’m going to kill you,” in Chinese
- Then you have an AK-47, I go here, here, here, then you’re on the ground and I kick you in the face and I kill you.

Right? Totally what you think it’s going to be. On par with Orson Welles or Charlie Kaufman.

Alright, back to him being a cop again and it’s nighttime.

They just do a lot of driving around.

They see some dude walking around and he drops something. they stop. Seagal again has this premonition about him, and the camera goes all slow-down-Matrix-kinda when he thinks he sees something.

COMMERCIAL

Just had a commercial for Steven Seagal “The Keeper.” Yeah, I should check that out. Also, is it his policy to only wear shirts that are buttoned up all the way to the top now? Even in the most intense of action scenes, the ponytailed assassin looks like he is chilly and should just fetch a cardigan. I mean, I don’t know if it’s a bad look, but it’s not a natural one.

There was a commercial for Smart Balance fake butter, focusing heavily on Denmark. It did not make me want to buy this product. Marketing research fail.

Well, I’ll have more time on Wednesdays after this series is over.

BACK

Seagal is wearing something like a Russian army hat on his head. It is goofy looking. And re-inforces the wig theory.

Apparently – these kids they stopped right now are the same kids that promised SS they would stay away from drugs. Dumb idiot kids. They had what Steven Seagal calls “a whole pile of drugs.” And that seems about right.

I bet Seagal would totally break this kid’s arm slowly if it were a movie.

Seagal talks about how great of a kid he, himself was, just spending all his youth in a dojo. Yeah, well, you know what Seagal, some of us fell asleep in Math class.

Wow, this kid got 4 1/2 for having coke. Not really … awesome…

Seagal is heading back to LA, so he says that he’s going to say goodbye to “his team.”

Everyone talks about how super awesome he is.

They just had a shot of SS in the rearview mirror. He looked…fat. Undeniably so.

It ends with him “I’m really looking forward to coming back here and getting more bad guys.” We are too.

UPDATE:

I just had a dream where Steven Seagal was wearing this weird Russian sort of police hat and talking to a crowd of people at a mall. Somehow that hat falls off and Seagal is really balding and he’s totally embarassed. He starts kicking people really hard out of frustration, finds his hat, and runs out of this mall with his hands over his face, like a scene from a chick flick.

1) I realize that I just admitted to having dreams with Seagal in them. I think this is the first time (probably a lie).

2) I felt like I really needed to share this.

Q: Is there any chance you will try action movies?

Zac Efron A: I would love to try an action film at some point, but not too soon. I think that can be a kiss of death. There’s got to be a real role that I can bring something unique and specific to, a way for me to do it believably. Until then, I think it would just come across as weird.

This was a question posed by somebody named Angela from Zanesville, Ohio (more like Zany-ville, amirite?) in Time Mag’s 10 Questions article that normally profiles someone of news or cultural importance.  You may be asking yourself why I read the whole thing, why I didn’t throw down the news-magazine and scream in disgust and terror.  Well, I do this for you, dear readers.

But, now to respond to Mr. Efron: Yes, it would just come across as weird.  Don’t do it.  It would be awful.  I feel I can speak for the Action Viewing elite by telling you to look at the terrible Wanted.  Just because you are a draw with certain demographics at the box office, does not mean that you should star in an action movie.  Abs do not give you this privilege.  I’m sorry.

As with James McAvoy in Wanted, Efron is pretty high on the “he’s just kind of a wiener” scale.  A soft face and
highlights do not have a place in action movies.  Feathered hair should only be feathered with sweat, grit and possibly the fingers blown off by the hero of the movie (unless it’s the early 90s or late 80s, see: Stone Cold – but mullets were part of it. So, that evens things out in the end).

To further illustrate why I don’t want this to happen (other than the fact that more wieners would probably take your example and try to get starring roles in these movies; also Wanted 2 is reported to be in the works): I’d end up watching it.  Not just to review it or to get a beatdown count. But, as a “thing” with Action Girl.

Action Girl:  “Hey, I rented a movie with Netflix I think you’d like.  It said it was an action movie.”

Dolbey:  (Oh boy Oh boy Oh boy)  “Oh yeah? What is it?”

Action Girl:  “Umm…I think it has Angelina Jolie in it…”

Dolbey:  (Oh Lord No! Please let her be mistaken.)  “Huh. And James McAvoy?”

Action Girl:  “Yeah!”

Dolbey:  “Wanted.”

Action Girl:  “That’s it!”

Dolbey (sobbing on the inside):  “Well, thanks for thinking of me.”

I’m just telling you Mr. Efron, it just won’t work out.

I moved just this week into a new apartment in an attempt to stop commuting a zany distance each day.

My apartment mailbox, I assume like most, had a vacant notice. I imagine this is a standard practice for the men in navy jackets and their fleet of funny little white trucks.

However common this is, the back of mine reveals a far more telling story about modern day heroism.

The back of this flyer apparently lists interactions my mailman has had with a dog. It doesn’t appear to be just any dog, but what I can only assume is an aggressively vicious dog. The rest of what you’ll read here is going to be mostly conjecture on my part.

I have never met my mailman (just moved in, and really have not spent a whole lot of time at home yet), but my best guess is his name is Hugh Strongstrom. You can do some damage with that name. He probably has a conceal and carry permit. Being named Hugh Strongstrom, you can just show your ID, and the issuer just hands it over (“I’m sorry, Mr. Strongstrom. We should’ve just mailed this to you awhile ago, based on your clear history of awesome.”).  Mr. Strongstrom has been a career civil servant (this was in his mailbuggy for sometime now, as the first date recorded is 2005), and he loves America.

He pulls up to 305 Clemons day in and day out, and never really cared for the place (I literally have no idea where this house is. I can honestly tell you it’s nowhere near where I live). Hugh “Postman!” Strongstrom couldn’t put his finger on it, but he knew that there were some bad seeds here on Clemons. They would only get weird catalogs, never received postcards from friends or family and clearly didn’t believe in spreading cheer by mailing holiday greetings or birthday cards to loved ones. I’m not saying this is a meth house, but that’s what our hero was beginning to suspect.

One day, this cartoonishly large dog broke through the door from whatever hellish cavern it inhabited only to attempt to maul Strongstrom in a fit of rage that would make Darth Vader weep in terror. Strongstrom tried to avoid this conflict of properly stamped letters against gnarled teeth and overgrown claws on crooked paws by backing away with his hands up and a stern look of disapproval. The dog would not be swayed, and so instead of escalating the conflict, Strongstrom grabbed the dog by the back of the head like an expert snake wrangler and gave it the heave-ho back into the door. More embarrassed than anything, the dog whimpered and barked meekly at Strongstrom’s physical strength and desire to just do the right thing.  The owner, clearly a messup from the getgo, was nowhere to be found at this time.

Strongstrom was busy at the time and almost fell behind schedule due to the incident, but he knew procedure. He had to report this to the higher-ups at 1 Post Office Plaza. Rushing because he did not want to be late in his delivery of grandma’s birthday cards to little Suzy Sterling down the street, he grabbed two things readily available to him: a crayon and a vacant mailbox notice. He scribbled down the address so he would remember to properly fill out the paperwork and with accountant-like precision later.

Then, a month and some change later, while delivering some contest survey thing and a third-rate puzzle catalog, the dog, this time famished by owner neglect, tried to break down the door to eat some Strongstrom. Be still reader, for today our hero today was quicker than the ravenous wolfbeast. Strongstrom held the screen securely against the doorjamb while putting the mail in the box, all while struggling to keep his footing against a collection of menus that were scattered across the front porch floor.

This trend would be increasingly dangerous for Strongstrom. The next few weeks were quite hazardous, even for mailman standards. Again, Strongstrom diligently reported these clear breaches in the social contract with the Postmaster General, which is standard practice.

But, it was clear that this was not going anywhere. These dog owners were horrible, horrible meth dealers and parakeet killers. Strongstrom could see this. The government bureaucrats weren’t following through on their end of the deal. There were clearly no repercussions. Those suits were only concerned about how much they could jack up postage.  The system is failing. The system Hugh Strongstrom has bought into for 12 years, ever since he graduated from the George Washington Stamp Institute at Harvard, is failing.

He must take (vigilante) justice into his own, callused and papercut hands. The last crayon and pen entry was Oct. 29, 2005. This would be the last crayon account on the vacant notice. Strongstrom had enough.  He had off the next day (it was a Sunday, the mail doesn’t get delivered on Sundays). It was he who would kick down the door. He came in with homemade exploding postcards, much like Gambit. The aggressive dog had passed out from the sleeping gas he poured into the house shortly before laying siege. Once he broke through the door, he saw something heartbreakingly horrifying: there were more coyote-pitwolves! They were being bred for their ability to carry turbo-rabies – long thought to be a myth perpetuated by postal carriers and 8-year-olds going on their first tent camping trip – but finally proved with Strongstrom’s courageous actions.

The methhead, cough syrup-addicted unwed couple were clearly no match for Strongstrom, so there wasn’t much of a battle royale at the end of this story. Strongstrom mailed the bums to Siberia. The dogs were too rabid for him to keep, even though the wolf-coyote-bear puppies were pretty cute. However, scientists deployed them in Lake Michigan to try and stave off invasive carp.

Again, we would like to thank the real life heroes of this season, the mailman.

Pre-gaming:

But, I must say, I am sacrificing. A lot. I’m kind of tired (despite my overwhelming excitement), but more importantly, I’m missing Wisconsin Badgers v. Duke. And the Badgers are dominating so far in the early stages of the first half. AND Brent Musburger is announcing (who is clearly the best in that business). Growl sound!

Still, I’m ready, and I’m excited. Make this worth it, Seagal.

5 minutes before the start: Starting to settle in now. I’m not going to be able to switch back and forth between Lawman and the Badgers game on my TV very easily during commercials (mostly because half the buttons on my remote are broken), so I’m catching the last couple minutes of what’s on A&E before this epic premiere.

Dog the Bounty Hunter is on. It was never my show. Is anyone else surprised that this thing is still on?

Dog’s wife clearly had some work done. But there’s only so much work you can do on this much ugly.

Credits rolling on Dog the Bounty Hunter. Also, just checked the Badgers game. So far, it looks like the game of the year. Great.

OPENING FOR LAWMAN!!!

hahaha

This is awesome already. I’m squealing with excitement.

Seagal, in his narration, is clearly bragging, but he’s trying to push it off as just matter of fact, ho-hum. Which could be more insidious than if he was just straight up bragging.

“I made a living in the movies, but for the past 20 years, I’ve also been a cop.” Alright, I’m in. You got me. Looking good.

Did he get hair plugs? Is this not a well-kept secret? Maybe it’s just paint on his scalp.

Wow, he has one of the fattest faces ever. We’ll be seeing a lot of that mug, aren’t we?

His talking…you can just tell that he’s trying so hard to impart beautiful nuggets of wisdom on to people who are either going to say “Man, that’s wise” or “Will this guy ever shut up?!”

“Intelligence is golden, the more we know about what’s happening out there, the safer we are.”

He’s really proud about his martial arts training. Really proud. That’s like some friend you haven’t seen in eight years just casually referencing how he was in the Peace Corps in sub-Saharan Africa. If you ask further about the issue, your friend will just talk about how it was “great to help those people.”

Also really good at downplaying his movie career. Oh, yeah, I was in the movies. For 20 years or something. I don’t know. Fuggitaboutit.

“It can be really dangerous out on these streets…” and then he talks about putting himself in harm’s way.

– They’re out driving at nighttime.

Friday 8.35 — they go into the worst neighborhoods. This is great.

Seagal just said that these are in “the ‘jects. These are the projects.”

Really, this couldn’t get more wonderful for me.

He is very full of himself, and it’s lovely.

He’s talking randomly into the camera while riding shotgun in an SUV. Really philosophical stuff of course. Good vs. evil stuff.

ONLY FOUR MINUTES IN, and they’re already in pursuit of a suspected carjacking.

Seagal is clearly an annoying passenger when he’s not driving. “Watch for this car? This guy?” — other cop who is driving: “I’m driving. I got it.”

He just said “we got a lot of units ready to block this guy in.” And he does an approving and authoritative head nod. A helicopter shot of what looks like a warehouse district – and we cut to commercial.

COMMERCIAL break #1: Pretty tense first few minutes. I’m pretty impressed. Seagal definitely is trying to hype up his sense of judging people and his ability to sense danger. Of course, this hasn’t come into practice so far. There was a call for a suspected carjacking and his cop SUV isn’t even remotely close to being the first on this car’s tail. No premonition about that. Seagal is hootin’ and hollerin’ in the car, totally getting ready to collar some bad guy. It’s like he’s giddy.

There’s a commercial for a (Michael) Jackson family miniseries. Really A&E? Really? I’m watching Lawman.

OKAY WE’RE BACK

Buckle up, there’s a lot of crazy camera work. Lots of just cutting back and forth and shaking up and down.

There’s a man who’s clearly being subdued, then a mass of people on him. Like seven cops on this man.

And then you just hear Seagal yell TASER TASER TASER. He wasn’t the Taser-er, but he was yeller.

Shortly thereafter he starts saying everybody should just calm down. Great. And then Seagal’s the one who’s putting the guy in the squad. What were the chances that he was actually the one who first put him in this cop car? It had that feel of “better re-shoot this one so big S over there is putting the perp into the car” to me.

He’s inspecting a rifle, and talking about it like an expert. But, like a fake expert character in a movie. “This is a fast round.” Really? That’s not very technical. I probably could’ve said that. – Uh, this is a bullet, right? Yeah, I bet that goes fast. You know why? Because it’s coming from a gun.

They show a mug of the guy that just got thrown in the slammer. Of course, they put a caption that says he’s presumed innocent until proven guilty. That right there, this faux presumption of innocence from a show starring Steven Seagal as a cop, made this show that much better.

So, Seagal is going on in the cop SUV again about how every gun off the street means one less that’s not going to shoot us (the police).

SCENE CHANGE TO a shooting range

Again, Seagal can only be so humble: “I’m a master shooter.”

Seagal is with some other guy who I guess needs work on his marksmanship in order to be an active cop. Seagal as wise teacher.

They start target shooting from 30 feet away, Just shooting this paper target guy in the forehead with their handguns. No other place, Seagal is just nailing this dude right between the eyes.

He just said “master of your discipline.” Seemed like a non-sequiter at the time.

Seagal is an amazing shot. Like, really good. He is shooting tips off of matches. He wants to just nick the match to light it, but he only shot the match head off. He says he’s disappointed, but I am clearly amazed by his skill. I never thought I’d say that and mean that about Steven Seagal.

He’s telling this guy who needs help to just “push the bullet out”

“You’re just guiding it.”

Now he’s telling this crapshot to not flinch, no recoil, either. You have to understand that this is really easy for Seagal to say and mean it – but it really only applies to himself. His hands are as big as footballs.

“From the time we started to the time he finished, I think he learned something”

Seagal said this guy got some sort of “Asian Zen lesson.” What does that actually mean? And what does Zen have to do with guns and target practice.

BACK ON PATROL:

There are some people yelling at the police right now, and I have no idea what they’re saying. Apparently they’re complaining about some guy who got too drunk. They frisk this “drunk” and tell him to go home and sleep it off. That’s good cop work.

Someone just said that they forget Steven’s a movie star. Doubtful. He’s philosophizing the whole time. And you’re talking about Steven Seagal. It’s not like he’s some extra from Couples Retreat.

He’s babbling inside his cop SUV about aikido now. Seagal would be that guy. You know what I mean. — Oh, you don’t know about organics? It’s … (and so on and so forth for fifteen minutes). And then you’re just a better person. I have some stuff you should read.

Seagal just said, “if they run, chase them down. Johnny and I will cut him off at the pass.” In the real world, that means absolutely nothing.

“They running. …” cut scene “… Better stop or you gonna get tased”

COMMERCIAL.

20 minutes in, and this is the second commercial break. Some stuff has been happening, so it’s not mega-annoying, but they definitely leave you with some cliffhangers. At least it’s not BUILD UP BUILD UP BUILD UP BUILD UP commercial – Back to show, tiny pay off — back to BUILD UP BUILD UP BUILD UP. Everyone knows reality shows like this. Because, it’s almost every one. Lawman really is a little like Cops. Just Cops with Seagal.

So far, from what I’ve been able to judge, Jefferson Parish (where this takes place), is a pretty rough place. Makes me wonder if Cops has actually ever filmed there. It appears the racial makeup of this parish is overwhelmingly black and almost all the cops are white.

BACK

Seagal kind of lounges in the passenger SUV seat like a chubby person waiting in line at a drive through window – this is especially funny with his bullet proof vest on.

They are now on foot looking for some suspicious persons (aside, why is it always suspicious persons and not suspicious people?) It’s just kind of a lot of shots of Seagal and police officers wandering around some streets and fences with overgrown yards. Some other cop somewhere else catches some dude.

Seagal is looking for evidence, and vaguely shining his flashlight up at a brick wall. Literally 20 feet up a straight wall. What could be up there? There are no ledges to throw things up there. It’s just a wall.

Seagal just said “hinky” as the camera pans down to some ominous shots of people coming down the street – kind of scary. Seagal points out that this bunch of jerks are showing their presence so the man in custody won’t spill the beans. About what? Idunno.

Seagal about these guys (who don’t have any faces, but have baggy clothes): “Studying martial arts as long as I have, they can normally tell these predators…”

Seagal is compassionate, in a way. Tough but gentle. He says that he needs to get the man in custody outta here. In his movie, he would just let him out of the car, hit him in the face and “feed him to the wolves” because he had a marijuana cigarette.

CUT TO THE OTHER COP’S GUN TEST (the guy he was training, err, mentoring? earlier)

Seagal watches on intently.

The dude passes by one point. Seagal’s kind of funny, and jokes with the guy.

The show is only half an hour? Wow. I feel cheated.

Wait, is there an encore presentation? Wait, am I getting a double shot? What? Do I get two Lawman? Really? I’m encouraged by this preview.

I AM — LAWMAN, EPISODE TWO

It’s Friday night

“If there are any guys out there thinking about committing aggravated assault” Wow. I bet there are a bunch of folks just waiting for the right moment to beat someone mercilessly for no good reason. What does this mean?

“If you can’t anticipate an attack, then you can’t defend against one.”

Awesome. Gems like this one are dropped all the time.

There are suspicious persons afoot here.

Seagal thinks there are suspicious persons. They get out of the car to check on them.

Okay, Seagal and another fat cop are chasing two young skinny kids. There’s no way they’re catching him.

Apparently this guy dropped his cell phone and a 95-G. I have no idea what kind of gun that is, but that sounds dangerous.

So, they are just using this cell phone, and calling in a picture found on this cell as this dude’s description. I suppose that’s practical police work, but still seems like a Chief Wiggum move. “eh, we couldn’t catch him, just call in this pic we found on a cell phone.”

CUT to next scene – In some GYM SOMEWHERE TEACHING COPS

Man, Seagal cannot stop talking about how much he knows about martial arts.

Now he’s going to teach some rando cops on his force some martial arts stuff.

Seagal has a talking head about how: “I’m one of the highest ranking aikido teachers in the world….”

“Aikido is written in the way of harmony”

So, Seagal is dressed in a very comfortable looking attire of loose pants and a sensible untucked button up. All the cops are in full uniform with full utility belt. Did they not have time to grab some shorts?

Seagal towers over all these guys. I know he’s a big dude, but I mean, he’s a head taller than everybody. Either he’s way taller than I thought, or these cops are super short.

CUT TO NIGHT SCENE in the SUV, lights go on for some reason I’m not sure

COMMERCIAL.

Alright, I just checked the Badgers game. 50 – 53 Badgers up. Oof. I’m missing one heckuva game.

Okay, there’s a clothes washing commercial. I’m not sure what Resolve Bright and White is, but it’s not detergent. A laundry booster? Yeah, I don’t think so. Advertising on the wrong program, Resolve. I resolve to not buy your product.

Commercial for Psychic Kids. Yeah, not watching that one either.

WE’RE BACK

Apparently there’s some big fight afoot. They’re afraid of guns being there.

Seagal does very informative talking head cutaway scenes. He just told us that there was a big fight, with 15-20 people. I’m caught up now.

Four guys get pulled over in a silver truck. There are a lot of denials going on. I say they’re innocent. Let ‘em all go. These guys at 1:30 in the morning look like a trustworthy group.

Oh, wait, that’s not happening. They’re going to question them. Apparently these white boys in the silver truck started this fight.

Seagal: “Everybody’s going to jail for fighting.” That’s good cop work.

Man, Seagal really talks like a cop. “They don’t do things right, they could’ve just walked away.” It’s pretty phenomenal how much he talks like a cop, and not just faking it.

Seagal just told somebody that this guy that’s now in cuffs is not a very good Zen practitioner.

This Zen practitioner just kicked out the back window of the cop cruiser. Cops come out of everywhere, looking angry, slamming car doors, and then just tased the hell out of him through the broken window. I nominate him for Lawman winner of the week.

CUT TO LATER THAT night.

Clearly in the prostitute part of town. Seagal tells us “a lot” of murders and “drug slinging” happen around here.

Great scene. Slow mo of him looking backward, then a cut to a random car. “Let’s check that out. I think they’re drinkin’.”

Now he’s out, and there is yelling for folks to get out of the car.

COMMERCIAL

Dag yo. Another pretty good show. Plenty of commercials, but there’s enough action and story between the breaks to keep me interested. But, I’ve been typing furiously this entire time, so maybe that’s part of it.

Ach! Commercial at the Badgers game, too. I do not approve. Is the game over already? Is Kyle Singler out of the game for Duke? I can only speculate.

A commercial for a fatty-looking meat sandwich from Subway. Finally, a commercial that fits this demographic.

WE’RE BACK

A herd of cops is around a car with some open containers in the car. Wow, this dude is drinking Goldschlager in the car. Did not see that coming.

Oh, man, one of the car drunks has a gun in his pants. Not looking good for him.

This show is a lot like Cops. A lot of cops saying never let your guard down, and doing procedural stuff, like calling in guns and stuff.

Seagal is literally scolding this guy for having his loaded gun on him in the car (he legally possessed it, fyi). “I’m not here for you, I’m here for murderers….but…” blah blah blah don’t have a loaded gun on you in the car, we’re putting this in the trunk and the bullets in the glove box.

CUT TO SOME GYM

In theory, he’s teaching the “community” (whatever that means in this context. Looks like a bunch of fat young girls) some martial arts business.

Seagal just said “I’ve been doing martial arts for more than 40 years.” He loves saying this. He probably wanted to say “I’m only 41 years old. And barely.”

He’s wearing a zip up hoodie sweatshirt with some pretty good-looking stencil designs. It’s half zipped up, and he’s looking fat.

Now he’s in his t-shirt and he’s covered in sweat. No surprise.

Show’s over.

I wonder how cops feel about him showing up with his cameras. In general, it seems like his colleagues there enjoy his company (except if you’re driving with him in the car).

This parish is a pretty rough area, I’m sure there’s some redeemable parts, but you didn’t see any evidence of that in the game.

Get ready, folks. Steven Seagal is playing himself again. It’s a fact that Seagal doesn’t play characters in his movies. He just plays himself, but uses a different name. Now, it’s come full circle, because he’s starring in his own reality show:  Steven Seagal Lawman.

I literally giggle with giddiness when I type that out. How awesome is this going to be? Imagine the meaty fingers of Seagal on a true-as-life loaded weapon, aimed at some traffic lawbreaker. Or to see if it’s really that easy to break bad guy’s arm.

The real challenge is going to see if he can stay “on script.” In a reality show where Seagal is a cop, I only mean if he can restrain himself from impinging on other’s constitutional rights. I think it’s safe to assume we’ve seen a movie with the pony-tailed assassin where he’s a cop who doesn’t give a damn for a bad guy’s so-called rights.  Does he act from experience? Or does he abandon reality to get into character? We’ll see.

Alan Sepinwall of the New Jersey Star-Ledger penned a great mainstream review for the show after he got a sneak peak.  After reading this, I already can’t wait for the DVD so I can see the unused footage of Seagal talking about the teachings of Buddha – only to have the next scene showing him to properly restrain a violent offender using painful pressure points.

Get ready for a liveblog posted after the show ends tonight. If that doesn’t get you excited read the following passage from Sepinwall’s
piece:  “Seagal is a producer on the project, so what might just be a spin on ‘Cops’ instead turns into a celebration of his own awesomeness.”

At almost any other time, the video would have raised a few eyebrows and probably nothing more.  It would be par for the course for the guy who steamrolled the action genre in the 1980s and early 1990s.  However, it comes across to some as offensive, mystifying and “desperate” during a time when Schwarzenegger just presented a budget that includes $15 billion in budget cuts.  The Governator had this to say to his critics…

“You know, you sent a governor to Sacramento — not El Stiffo, like some of the past were, but you sent someone that is a little bit more entertaining and has a little bit more fun with the whole thing,” Schwarzenegger said.

True, true.  And the LAH agree.  Check out the video below to see what I’m talking about.

When I saw the video, I saw nothing offensive.  I saw a man having fun with a job that probably provides little chance at fun.  I also saw glimpses of a man with an action resume as extensive as any.  And as a tribute to the knife-wielding Governator, we present to you these glimpses of Arnold’s long-standing relationship with the knife.

Arnold knows how to handle his.... sword.

OK, so calling a sword a knfie might be a stretch, but they are both made out of various forms of metal and both stab things. Just think of a knife as a miniature version of a sword.

What would a Commando be without a knife?

Arnold loves the knife. Much more personal...

Seinfeld stars Jon Voigt and Eric Roberts combine to add a paltry 10 beatdowns and 1 kill to the movie.  Neither are responsible for the lone kill while Voight tosses in four beatdowns to Eric’s one in a very Strike Force-esque Blood Bank appearance.  The 1985 film totals 11 kills and beatdowns.  Check the stats out here along many other movies at the Blood Bank.